redgreenfandomcom-20200215-history
The Possum Olympics/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW To do your own plumbing. [ gunshots, glass shatters ] harold: Well, they say what goes around comes around. Well, here's a man who's been around without ever buying a round -- my uncle, the star of "the red green show," mr. Red green! Wa-a! Whoo! Whoo! Thank you very much. Thanks for tuning us in. Real exciting week up here at possum lodge. Maybe some of you already noticed -- we got harold here on castors. [ laughs ] why am I wearing these again? Well, harold, I just told you five minutes ago. Yeah, I know, but I forgot because I was staring at that piece of food in your teeth. You go for it now, and I'll cover you. Set, go. [ keyboard clacking ] ha! No, missed it. [ keyboard clacking ] well, harold wasn't listening, but there is a reason we got him on wheels. They got a big event going on up here. Some kind of sporting event, right? Something to do with the olympics? Yeah, that's right, harold. I remember now, because all the different possum lodge members from all over north america, all the different chapters, they gather here for the biannual posolympics! Yeah. See? You do remember. A-a-and they have all these different weird events. You told me about all the different weird events, like the dessert-tray weight lifting. I remember that one. And then there was the 40-man volkswagen bobsled race. Wa-a-a-a! Yeah, harold, that's it. And then I said to you, "well, how come I have to wear rollerblades?" you said, "well, you're wearing rollerblades for the shirt sailing." and I said, "well, what's shirt sailing?" and you said, "well, shirt sailing, harold, "is when you put on a great-big-sized shirt "and you hold out the sides of it there, "and you let the wind catch it, and then you go down the hill like that, harold." and the wind would catch me, and I'd go flying down the hill. And I said, "well, what kind of sport is that?" and you said -- shut up, harold. "shut up, harold." you said, "shut --" [ laughing ] I remember all that now. I remember now. What did you want again, though? Well, harold, I just wanted you to come over here for a minute. Oh, is that it? Yeah. Oh, okay. [ crash ] yeah, that was it. [ drums and guitar playing ] ♪ paddling up the river as fast as we can go ♪ ♪ three fat guys in a stolen canoe ♪ ♪ row, you porkers, row ♪ ♪ paddling up the river ♪ ♪ with a police boat in pursuit ♪ ♪ we're still going up the river ♪ ♪ but now it's in a van with bars on the windows ♪ and virtually no creature comforts. [ coughs ] red: This week on, uh, "handyman corner," we're gonna get up close and personal about your plumbing. All right, I should say your house's plumbing. You know, the word "plumbing" actually comes from the ancient roman word for "lead," which was "plumbum," which was actually harold's nickname for a while. Now, of course, the ancient romans, they used lead for all their water pipes. They're all dead now. Now, there's two sides to plumbing, really. There's a supply and demand -- or drainage -- drainage. Now, the drainage side -- you got the big pipes there, and you got holes in the ground, and you got you know what, you know? And I'll tell you something -- paying 50 bucks to a professional to handle that is well worth every penny. But now the supply side -- that's a different kettle of fish entirely. It's so darn easy, an idiot can do it, and I can prove it. So what you want to start with is, uh, copper pipe, not lead, and you can get it any length, but we kind of like the 12-foot lengths... [ metal clangs ] ...'cause, uh, we get the 12-footers... 'cause, um... [ glass shatters, electricity crackles ] ...We get -- we get the 12-foots 'cause we just find that with the 12-footers... [ electricity crackles ] ...Uh, it's just easier to work with. Okay, so, uh, once you've got your copper pipe, uh, what you want is to get some fittings so that you can go around joists and beams and maybe pictures or whatever it is that you just don't feel like moving. So you got your various kinds of fittings here. You got your 45-degree elbow. You got your 90-degree, which come in left and right. 'course, they don't mark them, you know, so what I do is I just -- I buy them by the box, and they generally work out around 50-50. And then you got this unit here, which I guess would be 180-degree elbow. And this one, which goes right on the end of the pipe, which is a 360. And then you got your "t" joiner for joining two pipes to one. And you got your "y" joiner for any of you who have not yet joined the "y." a little plumbing humor there. All right, once you've got your pipe cut up into the various lengths that you need, you get them all together, and you got to rough up the ends of the pipes so the solder will stick to them. This almost looks like something zamfir would play, doesn't it? Anyway, when it comes to roughing up the pipes, there's an easy way to do that using a belt sander. [ sander whirs ] [ whirring stops ] just like that. Okay. Now we can assemble the piping. Uh, we take the elbows and fill them up with grease. Not elbow grease, but this other stuff. It's called flux. And you stick it right on there. Uh, this is gonna probably take me a little while to put together, so, uh, why don't we get on with the show, and when I'm done, we'll come right back. Once again, it's that time of the show where we expose those three little words that men find so difficult to say -- "I don't know." wa-a-a! And here to prove that point just one more time is my uncle red and, of course, mr. Dougie franklin! Well, this will be interesting. We have a letter from texas this week. United states. Oh, excellent. Okay. "dear experts, "last year, the missus and I vacationed in England. "it was a real cute little country. "but even though they spoke kind of like americans, "the place was like a real foreign country or something. "when I ordered a bag of chips, I got fries. "everyone drove on the wrong side of the road, "and their money looked real weird. "this year, we're gonna come up to canada and visit you people. Is it weird there, too?" I think by "weird," he means "different." well, that makes you different, then, doesn't it? Well, you know, I don't think there's any difference between canadians and americans. Dougie, you're an american. Wouldn't you say we're about the same? No, sure, I wouldn't. You canadians are weird. How's that? Well, I mean, you know, up here, a 240z is a 240 zed. What is a zed? I mean, you know, it sounds like something off "hee haw." "looky up on the porch! It's uncle zed!" ah, what's in a name, dougie? Doesn't matter if it's "z" or zed. It's the same car, it goes just as fast, and gets the same gas mileage up here. No, sir, it doesn't. [ exhales deeply ] you go 100 kilometers an hour. You get maybe, what do you say, uh, 10 kilometers to the liter? Now, I don't know whether that's good or bad. I don't know whether anybody who was born here knows either. Okay, all righty, but, you know, we're really going the same speeds. And, you know, we drive on the same side of the highway as americans. No, sir, you don't. All you canadians, you all drive in the passing lane. [ sniffs ] now, in the united states of america, we got your driving lane, we got your passing lane. Up here, you just got, like, lanes. It's like bowling -- just go anywhere, you know, happens to be open, and there you are. You try that in the u.S. Of a, you'd come face-to-face with the cops. Well, you'd have the same problem up here, doug. Absolutely not. Nope. No, sir, you wouldn't. You'd get pulled over by your mounties, and, of course, you know, look at the way those fellers are dressed, would you? They're like security guards. Now, back home, we got state troopers. They're gussied up with gold braid. They got your big guns, 10-gallon hats. You ever been pulled over by a mountie wearing a 40-liter hat? I'm telling you, you canadians are different from us americans. Cat's out of the bag. Well, perhaps it's just 'cause we're more tolerant and we're less likely to judge foreigners and we're, like, a little less close-minded about different cultures. No, sir. No, sir, you're just -- that's one thing, actually, we have in common. You're just as narrow-minded as we are, only we're up front about it, you know. When you talk to an american like this, he's just gonna be just as ticked off as you are. But he'll let you know instead of hiding behind, you know, some kind of constipated smile, making like... ...Making like none of this is bugging him. Well, uh... Thanks so much for dropping by, doug. Great having you here. Yep, yep. Very informative. Excellent. Yes, sir. Weird. "it is spring. "I walk through the woods. "I feel like I did when I was 15. "I walk into a beehive. "my face gets stung 100 times. Now I look like I did when I was 15." all right, so now you've got your pipes set, running from your inlet out, to say, your bathroom or over to your kitchen and up into the laundry room and out into the lawn sprinkler, maybe into your bidet, and then out into the spittoon. And once you've got all your joints set like that, you got now make them real solid by using some sort of soldering device like this soldering torch. Now, I know some people are nervous about using these torches, but, uh, the truth is that they're of absolutely no danger at all for using around the house, as long as you remember to -- to turn them off, you know. Where'd I put my matches here? Yeah, I know the professionals use the big -- the big 20-pounders, uh, but to be honest with you -- oh, here we are -- to be honest with you, I don't trust those big propane tanks, you know. I think -- I think those darn things could explode on you. [ glass shatters ] [ coughing ] all right, now, uh, you might want to have a second propane torch around just as more or less a backup. And you just heat up the joints until all the flux starts boiling in there, and then just put the solder on there, and she'll just -- and she'll just melt right in there. It's just that easy, really. Harold, you want to come in here and light this torch? [ coughs ] and there we go. She's ready to rip. All right, harold, uh, turn the water on there! [ water running ] oh, oh! Hold it! Hold it! Harold, hold it! Hold it a minute! Hold it a minute! There, that's got her that time. We got her. We got her, harold! Let her rip! Let her roll! Hold it! Hold on! Do you have to turn it on so hard, harold? All right, that looks better. We got her. All right, harold, turn her on -- gently! [ water dripping ] perfect. That's all there is to it. So, until next time, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ dripping continues ] probably turn the water on here. Oh -- oh, boy. Oh, boy. Harold. Harold. Harold! Buzz. Yo, red man! How's it going? Not bad. Getting all ready for the possum olympic opening ceremonies, are you? Oh, man, I'm getting ready for the big fly-past. I'm gonna tie this banner to my plane. Check this out. Yeah? It says, "to the victor goes" -- [ rip ] oh, man, I hate that! Look at that -- 8 minutes of work right down the drain! Oh, boy. Anyways, it says, "to the victor goes the spoils and the beer." oh, I probably should have waited for the paint to dry, right, before I folded it up? Yeah. Oh, well. You know what I'll do? No. I'll paint this on a sheet of plywood and fly it behind me. That'll be safe. Oh, yeah. And check this out. When I fly past the grandstand, right, I lean out the door. You want me to whip out the balloons then, right? Yeah, but they're filled with helium, right? No. I couldn't get helium. No? Yeah? No. So I filled them full of water. [ laughs ] hey, harold, this is the coolest. Check this out. Water bombs. Catch. [ thud ] oh, that's funny. Normally, they're supposed to break. Listen, I'm sure they'll break at 2,000 feet, right? [ whistles ] [ imitates explosion ] it'll be fabulous! Yeah, it'll be fabulous. And I got a plane full of streamers, right? And I got all this stuff, too. What's this stuff called? Confetti. Confetti, yeah! It'll be great! Listen, I got to go, right -- practice my demonstration sport -- air hockey! Oh, yeah. Air -- oh, I know. I know the one. It's got the table, and the air comes up, and you shoot those little things around there. Oh, man, not that. No. Ice hockey, you play on ice. Yeah. Field hockey, you play on a field. Yeah, that's right, yeah. Air hockey, red, is played in the air! How does that work? Well, it's sort of like polo, right? Yeah? But instead of riding a horse and hitting a ball, you fly around in a plane, and you try and hit... The zeppelin! Wow. Sherwood's got the zeppelin! He shoots! He scores! Harold. On the eve of the international posolympics, I got to tell you, the olympic spirit, as you can see, is running pretty high up here at the lodge. By the way, uh, harold, what is that -- the new headgear for your braces? No, I'm in training. I'm gonna go into the boxing competition. I'm in the flyweight category. I'm betting on the fly. Ha ha ha ha ha! You just hold on, and you wait and see. 'cause I'm gonna float like a butterfly and stink like a bee. That's "sting," harold, not "stink." it is? Yeah. I better get another category, then. Well, anyway, uh, we're all geared up here. Old man sedgwick has cleaned out the barbecue so we can light the torch with it. And then for the opening ceremonies, of course, stinky peterson is doing his big number with the three ripe cabbages and the ice-cream scoop. That's always a crowd-pleaser. And for the closer, moose thompson got us a water cannon. Uncle red, you're missing the true spirit of the olympics, though. Oh, I don't know, harold. We've already had five countries boycott us. No, I'm talking about the modern true spirit -- marketing and licensing. Wa-a-a-a-a! Think about that, huh? We need like a -- we need an official soft drink and an official film and maybe an official airline! Oh, yeah. Well, we got an official possum van, and we got an official outhouse. We can name an official tree. No, no, no, no. You're missing it. You see, we need, like, a logo, maybe, and a little cartoon character of an animal that we can market to death, you know? Wa-a-a-a! Well, what kind of a cute little character could we have for possum lodge at the possum olympics? Red: Time once again for "adventures with bill." didn't know what bill had in mind this week. [ clank ] oh. Oh, it's horseshoes. Oh, that's not so bad. I understand that horseshoes is one of the safest sports ever devised by man. Far as I know, no one's ever been injured, uh, from horseshoes. Might be one or two exceptions, I suppose. Or three or four. Anyway, the first step is to put the steel rod -- boy, uh... Now, I'm not gonna comment on that. But he has another -- hopefully another, uh, stronger rod there. Yep, yep, yep. And he wants me to hold this -- I got to look away. This is a little bit too -- no -- I didn't -- I didn't really feel him hit the thing. I didn't know quite what was going on, and, uh, I just... [ clank ] [ bird singing ] oh, I did hear something, though. Why would he be lying down? Oh, well. So he taped the head back on that, and I taped the head back on that, and then we could try again. So, got the thing lined up. Just give her a little... You know, the sinkholes around the lodge are real handy sometimes, but that seemed -- I thought that -- oh, boy. It is a dangerous sport, isn't it, bill? Ohh! Yeah, I think it is. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I thought that, uh, with that pole thing so low in the ground, you know, I don't know, I think that's more dangerous. How are you gonna be able to catch the thing? Won't it go right over like that... Into that? Won't that happen, bill? That doesn't seem to bother him too much. Wasn't his van. So then he starts just kind of firing them, and then we had kind of a game shoot here. Oh, my gosh. And, uh... Hmm. Oh, yeah. Don't know quite how to score those. I was not real pleased with bill. That was all my stuff. He says, "relax, relax, relax. You go get the horseshoes." he's got an idea. What he's gonna do now -- take that rake, stick it on there, and he's gonna duct-tape that to the little pole. Now he's got a great big pole to shoot at. Yeah, that's -- that seems a little -- a little more sensible, but just in case, just gonna back up just -- yeah, yeah, take some of the danger out of the sport. And he throws a whole bunch at once there, and, oh, they're coming in like the b-49 bomber. And now both the pole, and then up she comes. Fires them right back towards bill, and there's -- oh, boy -- one, two, and... [ clanking ] [ clank ] ...Three! By golly, that's a ringer. Yeah, bill, you're a ringer. Three points. This is for all the young people, which means I don't have to watch it. Well, it's time to get up and get down and shake your booty and dance till you drop and then get back up again. Wa-a-a! Dancing has been called "making love while standing up." wa-a-a-a! Which, I guess that's why my dad's favorite song is the minute waltz. [ laughs ] all right. Well, anyway, dancing is a lot more than just going... First, you need music. [ dance music plays ] yeah, just like that. But you got to start slow, you know? Just let one foot do some of the work. There you go, mr. One foot. Let him feel it a little while. He'll tell the rest of the body. He's mentioning it to the leg now. There you go. Everyone's starting to feel it in the whole body. Let the rhythm flow. There you go. Mr. Shoulder heard all about it. [ chuckles ] oh! Harold! Harold! Harold! Harold! Hopefully, he'll dance all the way out into the bug zapper. [ electricity crackles ] harold: Whoo! We all live for the good days, don't we? Harold's got these contracts he's doing. We just want to make sure, you know, that the I's are crossed and the t's are dotted. Well, I'm not so good at the fine print anymore, red. You see, my eyesight's gotten so bad, I can barely see my hand in front of my face. [ gunshot, bullet whizzes ] what did I get? Uh, looks like a shrub of some kind. They're tough to clean, aren't they, reg? Well, the dream is dead. The posolympics have been canceled -- canceled before the spray paint was even dry on the gold, silver, and bronze medals. Canceled? Oh, you can't cancel, uncle red. I just signed a multi-dollar television deal. Oh, we got, like, prime-time on cable 10, midnight to 3:00 every night. Well, I'm sorry, harold, but every athlete was caught taking a performance-enhancing substance -- oh. Beer. Beer? Beer doesn't enhance your performance. Oh, harold, you sound just like my wife. Beer enhances an athlete's performance in his own mind, harold. They think they can jump higher, run faster, and throw up farther. All they do is fall down and hurt themselves. Yeah, but, uncle red, look -- I just designed a posolympic logo -- watch. [ imitates trumpet blowing ] [ imitates elephant trumpeting ] [ laughing ] and, of course, there's a posolympic motto. "be the very best you can be... Considering." [ screeching ] oh, that's the squeal of the possum. We got a meeting now. Yeah. Well, you go on down and fan the olympic flames, harold, and I'll be down in a minute, okay? Okeydoke. Well, this is probably the only sporting event in history where you can say there are no winners and no losers here today and mean it... Except for the part about the losers. Anyway, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I am no longer in training, which means, uh, I can relax, so to speak. Tonight, I'd like to go for the gold. That's code. And to the rest of you, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, thank you so much for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching continues ] harold: All rise. All rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Couple of quick announcements before we get into the meeting. Uh, all the posolympic paraphernalia is available at cost to any of the members or whatever trustees are appointed by the receiver.